The TNSTAAFL Principle…and oops, you’ve been had!

At some point in college, I remember Professor Jim Kurre discussing the importance of the “tanstaffle” or “There’s No Such Thing As a Free Lunch” principle. Nothing is free. Along the line, SOMEONE must pay for the good. I keep this principle in mind whenever I see “free trial” offers or other dubious freebies. I know freebies are tempting, but first consider the following:

1. Am I obligated to pay for this in the future? (as in: is this a limited time offer?)
2. What is the marketing pitch behind the free product? (what’s the marketing ploy involved?)
3. Is this a product I really need?
4. Is this a trial offer simply to spread the word about a new product? (Free product samples typically fall under this category. Samples are provided with the aim to “hook” the consumer to the product and make them loyal to the brand.)
5. Is this a subscription service or affiliated with a telemarketing firm?

Sure, you may ask for a trial offer, but you may then be plagued with an unexpected bill, unwanted marketing information, be it mail, telephone, or e-mail, or unwanted product delivered to your door. Oops! It wasn’t free! You’ve been had! Why am I writing any of this? I was moved by a number of comments listed on this blog post. I mean, not trying to mock anyone…but seriously, so many things could be avoided if people learned to put on the readin’ glasses and peruse the fine print. Subscriptions, product freebies, dirty opt-ins...they’re really not so bad if you just know the rules and risks of the game. Anyway, next up: Subscriptions: Be mindful of “convenience.”

Many companies offer subscription or refill plans based on your purchase history or expected usage. Coffee providers such as Boca Java, Gevallia, and Dunkin Donuts all offer a refill package. You set up the frequency and amount, and the company ships product and bills you accordingly. Remember, these products are shipped at your instruction. If you receive unwanted product, you did sign up to a shipping contract. Just keep that in mind. The same goes for vitamin subscriptions. Be careful what you wish for. Know your usage and know the cost. If fraudulent charges appear on your bank statement, be ready with evidence to dispute them. Free magazine subscriptions are a subject to themselves. If you want to play the ‘free’ offer game, know how long the trial is for and cancel beforehand. If you’re not a very punctilious person regarding bills or subscriptions, don’t even attempt this game. Even better, don’t buy product on a refill or subscription basis. Just make a note each month to re-order. Really, it ain’t that hard. Otherwise, you’ve just been had.

Another word of caution pertains to online clubs or memberships. Many well-meaning online groups try to ‘upsell’ to gold or high-level paid subscriptions. You must pay a fee to use forums or special website features. Many may also offer a regular monthly deduction to remain a member of the forum. Keep this in mind before subscribing: do you really need the upper level? Is a monthly forum charge really fair? Are you gaining valuable information from the forum or club that is not available for free elsewhere? This is very true for fitness forums. I’ve found that the upper level (paid) forums are usually a waste of money. I’m sure some will debate that highly, but hey, this is my blog. That’s my opinion. The only forum in which I pay for (well, paid for, as it’s a one-time shot) is SomethingAwful.com. Why did I pay? Because it’s an amazing forum for every subject under the sun filled with other cynical assholes just like myself. The fee helps maintain a robust forum and eliminate trolls. I’ll pay for a troll-free experience. Hear hear!

And outside of “online clubs” there are product clubs. Book clubs, CD clubs, DVD clubs…you name it, there’s a subscription club for it. Let me tell you my story of my first CD buying purchases. I was intrigued by a publicized offer for “12 free CDs” from BMG Music Service in a Rolling Stone magazine at age 12. Yes, seriously, I subscribed to Rolling Stone at age 12. I was a badass, man. Me, being a music aficionado (even at 12), decided this was awesome and signed up for it. I remained a member of BMG music until age 20. Through eight years of a music subscription service, I got some nice deals on CDs. Before half.com and Amazon, there were music clubs. Long-time members got some perks. There were also some seriously bum deals, though. BMG would send a CD each month regardless of whether you wanted it. I simply mailed back a card each month stating that I was not interested. I had two CD of the month selections mailed to me, which I forgot to deny in advance, and had to send back as “unwanted.” I really didn’t have too much issue with the service. In fact, I liked it. As half.com, eBay, and Amazon grew in popularity, and as I moved to the world of iPod and all things digital, I cancelled my club membership. I was also in college at that time, and did not want to deal with the card mail-back hassle. At this point in time, I will proclaim that a majority of club memberships are total crap and you can find the products much, much cheaper online used or new. There are a few notable exceptions to this, I’m sure, but for the most part, product/media clubs are more a hassle than you want to deal with.

Another fun topic is internet scams and miracle products. If it seems too good to be true, it most certainly is. If the price is way out of this world, well, it probably is. Is there a prince in Nigeria that really wants to give you $20000? No fucking way. Is Oprah’s miracle diet pill going to cure all your woes? Absolutely not. You won’t find a good get rich quick scheme. You won’t find a work at home job that pays insane money. You will not find a pill that magically increases the length of your penis. Most “work at home” ads lead you straight to dubious companies like Herbalife or Quixtar. If you want some fun reading, read up on those two companies. Hoo-eee I smell a big ole scam, Batman! If you want to make some insane money, you better be savvy with investing, my friend. You may also want to save your money, stop buying junk you don’t need, and learn about the miracle compound interest rate. If you want to lose weight, I don’t know how to break this to you, but a pill ain’t gonna do you shit. Even extensive surgical procedures don’t make you Madonna overnight. That kind of body takes some serious work. Scams prey upon your insecurities. They want you to spring hard-earned money into dubious products and services. Just keep that in mind the next time you see some questionable advertising. Otherwise, you just look like a fool who got scammed. And yeah, oops, you done been had.